Beyonce - Upgrade U
Hehehe Yeah B, Talk yo shit heheh (partner let me upgrade you) How you gon' upgrade me what’s higher than number 1 you know I used to beat that block Now I be's the block (partner let me upgrade...
Hehehe Yeah B,
Talk yo shit heheh (partner let me upgrade you)
How you gon' upgrade me
what’s higher than number 1
you know I used to beat that block
Now I be's the block (partner let me upgrade you)
Well it’s an odd intro I’ll give Jay-Z credit for that. He firstly asks Beyonce how she’s going to upgrade him. What upgrade means here is a little ambiguous as it could in one sense mean she is going to upgrade him with cybernetic body-parts, thus making him superhuman? Install Windows service pack 2 on his copy of XP? Update his firmware on his laptop perhaps? Either way Jay-Z now muses on what could be higher than number 1, probably a boast about his own reputation. Unfortunately for him his boast may be true, although he seems to have accidentally displayed his innumeracy. I can imagine many mathematicians (and believe me I know a few) would gasp in horror at the sheer idiocy of what J is asking, as it would seem obvious to most people that two is actually higher than one. So whilst trying to boast about how he’s number one he’s only told us he is in fact a bit of a fool. Innumeracy aside, J then begins to talk about how he used to beat the block, either meaning he was a policeman on the beat there (somehow I doubt he was) or used to play his music too loud so that his beats would echo through the block (probably resulting in a call from the police coincidentally). Things take a surprising turn though when J actually professes to be the block itself. To claim that he is a collection of houses and part of the road grid would suggest that J has gone quite mad with symptoms akin to that of schizophrenia making his innumeracy seem like chicken feed compared to this problem (then again he does claim that he has ninety nine problems but the bitch ain’t one, so perhaps this is him continuing that song).
[Verse 1:]
I hear you be the block
but I'm the lights that keep the streets on
Notice you the type that like to keep them on a
Leash though
I'm known to walk alone
Beyonce seems quite unperturbed by Jay-Z’s protestations about being the block he lives on, and claims that she is the ‘lights that keep the streets on,’ suggesting that she too seems to be suffering the onset of a severe schizophrenic episode. On a more worrying note Beyonce seems to be displaying other bad symptoms of the disorder such as disorganization of thinking considering she fails to use auxiliary verbs, such as ‘are’ (then again this could just be illiteracy). Schizophrenia aside she starts telling J about how she knows him to be a controlling person, and that she doesn’t go with that. This would tell us that Beyonce has some very clear control issues as she seems to prefer to walk alone, or this could just be an additional symptom of the schizophrenia as she seems to prefer social alienation or she’s a pain to be around and is claiming she likes being alone as an excuse.
But I'm alone for a reason
Sending me a drink ain't appeasing
Believe me
Come harder this wont be easy
Don't doubt yourself trust me you need me
This ain't a shoulder with a chip or an ego
But what you think they all mad at me for
Oh dear! It would seem Beyonce is alone for a reason (in a club possibly), one she doesn’t seem to elaborate on. Maybe her friends ditched her or they failed to get past the bouncers because they were too drunk. However we see a very abrasive side to Beyonce now as she claims to be unhappy with the drinks that J has been sending her. Now I’m not being funny but if he’s been buying drinks for someone in a club (whom he might not know) it’s a bit difficult to appease him/her with the drinks they want. Also I can’t see her telling him to stop; I bet she had absolutely no trouble drinking those free drinks. I mean how dare J even think of doing something as crass and as horrible as giving free drinks to someone I mean the man is a maniac and must be stopped (sarcasm ahoy!). However things pay off for J as Beyonce starts spewing out a list of sexual instructions and points out quite strongly that he needs her. This sounds a little dubious considering she just said she walks alone. She then points out she has no chips or egos on her shoulder. Now to be fair how can’t you carry your ego on your shoulders? Considering your head, where the ego is undoubtedly found, pretty much sits on your shoulders. Either way I think she might be fibbing.
[Bridge:]
You need a real woman in your life
that’s a good look
Taking care, home is still fly
that’s a good look
Beyonce claims rather boastfully that she is a ‘real’ woman (compared to all the other 3 or so billion women) and that home is still fly. Unfortunately I think this might be the onset of another episode as she seems to believe her home is flying, which is quite unlucky (unless of course she lives in a zeppelin.) She also keeps telling J that that is a good look. I’m assuming here that she is complimenting him on his dress, although this seems like a drastic about turn on trying to reject J, which leads me to think the drink he’s been plying her with is working. Or maybe a sinister turn has taken place and he has spiked her drink.
Imma help you build up your account
That’s a good look
Better yet a hood look,
Ladies that’s a good look
When you're in them big meetings for the mills
That’s a good look
Now Beyonce starts giving J some financial advice, which is strange as I didn’t really have her down as the type who would understand accountancy (I sure as hell don't). She also starts talking about having a good look (perhaps at his yearly outgoings) again but then mentions something called a hood look. Perhaps this is simply someone looking out of a hoodie or someone who looks like the hood (either street slang for home area or the bald villain from Thunderbirds). Next she starts talking about a meeting in the mills possibly striking discord in the workforce, which seems to show Beyonce is more Union friendly or Marxist than was first thought. Still though, I find it a bit rich that she should try to be the hero of the workforce, considering that she’s a multi-million dollar singer, who would probably represent the cause and not the solution of class unrest. Then again she starts talking about good looks again which would suggest that rather than try to be the hero of the people she’s just trying to look like one as it’s a good look. Maybe by wearing a T shirt with Chairman Mao or Stalin on it, who incidentally killed millions of their own people, still though ‘it’s a good look’ and this is ultimately why celebrities should not get involved in politics.
It take me just to compliment the deal
That’s a good look
Anything you cop I'll split the bill
That’s a good look
Better yet a hood look
Believe me
Ladies that’s a good look
Beyonce now starts to brag more about her deal finishing abilities, whilst spewing more crap about how dictators have good looks and how she will split the bill, very gracious considering her worth in the music industry. Still it’s better than not paying at all I guess but saying that J did buy all the drinks.
[Chorus:]
Partner Let me upgrade you
Audemars Piguet you
Switch your neck ties to purple labels
Upgrade you
I can (up), can I (up)
Lemme upgrade you
Partner let me upgrade youPartner let me upgrade you
Flip a new page
Introduce you to some new things &
Upgrade you
I can (up),
Can I (up), let me
Upgrade you
(partner let me upgrade you)
Beyonce now starts talking about upgrading J again although now I can see she’s not trying to turn him into a superhuman, judging by her itinerary it seems to just involve buying him lots of ties and probably lots of fancy clothes too. Whilst it is still an upgrade of sorts, it’s not really as fun as making him into a man-plus, although this type of upgrade does sound more of Beyonce’s kind of vibe.
[Verse 2:]
I can do for you what Martin did for the people
Ran by the men but the women keep the tempo
It's very seldom that you're blessed to find your equal
Still play my part and let you take the lead role
Beyonce now rather madly compares herself to Martin Luther King and his strive for equality. Now you don’t need to just be black to find this comment quite offensive as I don’t see her leading million man marches on Washington demanding equality or leading strong pressure campaigns for Black people who have been imprisoned unfairly. It then becomes quite apparent that Beyonce is referring to the balance of power between women too and claims they are equal yet seems to claim that women maintain this balance subversively. She then claims she’s equal of J and he’s blessed for this fact. Well to be fair you can’t really disagree with that fact as they are both world renowned singers/rap artists.
Believe me
I'll follow this could be easy
I'll be the help whenever you need me
I see you hustle wit my hustle I
Can keep you
Focused on yo focus I can feed you
Beyonce only seems to confirm the fact that she’s going to conform to the women’s place in the background although she promises to feed him. I fear Beyonce may end up as a housewife to J if this is the case and I can picture now the old fashioned marital scene with Beyonce slaving away in the Kitchen (complete with silly apron) whilst a clearly overweight J sits in front of the TV complaining about the mess (he has made) and moaning about the quality of Beyonce’s cooking so much for equality eh? Rather than leading women to equality it would seem she’s just confirmed all the old stereotypes.
[Jay-Z:]
(Uh HOV, Uh, HOV, uh huh huh!)
I B the d-boy who infiltrated all the corporate dudes
They call shots, I call audibles
Jacob the jeweler, baubles, Lauraine Schwartz sorta dude
It's big balling baby when I'm courting you
I'm talking spy bags and fly pads and rooms at the Bloomberg
Judging by the amount of Jewish brands he’s just spouted out you could be forgiven for thinking that Jay-Z has converted to Judaism, although on the same level he seems to have made it big in the corporate world (if this part of the song is true in anyway, which it probably isn’t) which would make board meetings quite an interesting sight, especially if he ‘laid down’ his agenda as a rap.
And rumors you on the verge of a new merge
'Cause that rock on ya finger is like a tumor
you can't put ya hand in ya new purse
It's humorous to me they watching
we just yachting off the island hopping off
Amalfi coast
It would seem that Beyonce has been shopping (what a surprise) and has been splashing out on the ‘bling’ as she’s bought a very very large diamond ring which is akin to a tumor. It also a really stupid accessory as it makes simple tasks impossible such as reaching into her handbag, and probably weighs a ton to boot. Either way J is having a good laugh about it as watching Beyonce try to look chic by wearing a really huge diamond (which would probably seem tacky more than anything else) and looking like a prat for her trouble would make me laugh too. However to ease the mood it seems he is planning a nice get away for the two of them yachting. It would seem he has adapted to corporate board life better than anyone would have thought.
Mafioso, oh baby you ever seen satin
No, not the car but everywhere we are
you sure to see stars.
This is high level not eye level,
my bezzle courtesy of Audemars
I order yours tomorrow now look how much I saved you
Mama let me upgrade you]
Oh no! It would appear that maybe J has got where he is today by working with the Mafia, but argues in his defense that he’s bought satin, woop-de-doo. Then again it would also appear that he’s adapted to the Jewish ethics quite well as he desperately wants to tell everyone how much he’s saved on these items of luxury. Rabbi must be so proud, although maybe he’s willing to overlook the gangster involvement in the equation. Still though I think J maybe telling porkies again as he seems to profess to be a Black Jewish Mafia man and I think that it doesn’t really work like that in reality. I don’t imagine the mafia cares much for equal rights rules. I sure hope for the Don doesn’t find out for J’s sake.
[Hook:]
Just when you think we had it all
Big ends, condos, collecting cars
Picture your life elevating with me
You my project celebrity
I keep your name hot in them streets
That little glimpse of light
Beyonce now is musing on the fact that whilst it may seem like J has everything she could actually improve on his possessions a great deal and offers what I can only assume is representation as an agent. Now to be fair this is an interesting offer but I wasn’t in fact aware that Beyonce has credentials suitable enough to be involved in fame management and more to the point does Jay-Z really need a better agent as he’s doing quite well already. Then again it does seem to suggest that this song is nothing more than Beyonce advertising her services as an agent and offering interested consumer a gold standard policy. Then again maybe it’s all part of her schizophrenic episode. Someone really should have called a doctor by now.
Makes that diamond really shine
And you already is a star
unless your flawless
Then ya dynasty ain't complete without a chief like me
She now points out her successes, which isn’t difficult considering she’s got her pointlessly large tumor sized diamond out again, which she can’t help but mention about how shiny it is. Then again she also points out there are conditions to her services and that the person must be flawless. I’m even more worried now for Beyonce’s state of mind in that she seems to be portraying herself as infallible a rather dubious honour which is held only (to my knowledge) by the pope. She is in effect saying that she has a god given right to never be wrong which is nothing short of crazy. Then to seal the deal she claims that she is a chief. If she’s meant to be the chief of the Comanche or the Apache Indians then I would make no hesitation about calling for the men in white to take her away.
[Outro:]
Audemars Piguet watch
Dimples in ya necktie
Hermes briefcase
Cartier top clips
Silk lined blazers
Diamond creamed facials
Vi Vi X cuff links
6 star pent suites
Now she’s just listing a loud of luxurious items which makes me think (yes I know it’s obvious) that the money has seriously gone to her head and she’s developed a madness not dissimilar to King Midas. With any luck (for herself and others) no magicians will grant her desire to turn things into gold by her touch.
Partna let me upgrade ya grade ya
Partna partna let me upgrade ya grade ya
Let me let me let me upgrade ya grade ya
Partna partna partna let me upgrade ya (huh...)
And then she’s on about upgrading people again. Well I can certainly say as a psychological profile of Beyonce this has brought up some worrying tendencies. Not to mention delusions, chronic lying, inability to speak properly, Egomania and megalomania . Then again if she isn't then Beyonce's accountants, and Agents firm should be opening next spring (Affiliated with Don Jay Zachariah Inc).
Either this entry was before the 2009 edition or comments just aren't active, sorry. If you want to get in touch please contact us!
