Rhianna - Umbrella
Ah yes that mega smash hit. It was brilliant. Well, it wasn't, but I digress. Someone commented on this piece when I first wrote it: "Tom, you do know Rhianna isn't Welsh, right?"
"[Jay Z] Ahuh AhuhAhuh Ahuh
Ahuh Ahuh
Ahuh Ahuh"
And so Jay Z begins his foreword into Rhianna's (possibly the only welsh R&B star out there, if her name is anything to go by?) piece about umbrellas with this intelligent and succinct introduction. One isn't sure if he's merely laughing at the ridiculousness of the next few minutes to come, or if this is an alternative language - did aboriginal "savages" invent the umbrella? (it is believed to be of Greek origin). Indeed, it does not seem that Jay Z is fully aware of his engineering history.
"No clouds in my storms Let it rain, I hydroplane in the bank Coming down with the Dow Jones When the clouds come we gone, we Rocafella She fly higher than weather And G5's are better, You know me, an anticipation, for precipitation. Stacked chips for the rainy day Jay, Rain Man is back with little Ms. Sunshine Rhianna where you at?"
Well. The Jay Z foreword continues, and at the very least now he is using English. However, like all forewords (which are often merely there to boost the authors already inflated ego), there isn't really much substance or in all honesty relevance to the song. There are no clouds in Jay Z's storms apparently (so in addition to showing himself inept on an engineering history level, Jay Z's meteorological skills are now coming into question). Jay Z is using this foreword not only to show off his apparent financial nous (or, ya know, to at least show that he knows some of the terminology involved), he also appears to be promoting Apple G5 Powerbooks - an ego-indulging foreword is one thing, but using a foreword as a platform for advertisement? Oh dear. Jay Z is appears hits an even further low comparing himself to Dustin Hoffmans much loved and sympathized Raymond "Rain Man" Babbitt.
"[Rhianna] You had my heart And we'll never be worlds apart May be in magazines But you'll still be my star Baby cause in the dark You can see shiny cars And that's when you need me there With you I'll always share Because"
And so the only welsh R&B star to grace our generation starts her soft little song, declaring to the subject of the song that they had their heart - heart transplants seem to be a common sub-subject in modern day songwriting, though I am not entirely sure why. Is this just all part of some elaborate hoax to raise the profile of heart donors (or lack thereof)? Rhianna also seems to be skeptical about the current state of space travel, or once again, the lack thereof. She believes the Subject to be the closest thing she'll have to a star; so from expecting this to be a soft little love song, we appear to have a serious dissertation about the state of outer-space exploration. She now appears to be getting poetic about the beauty of the darkness of outer space, and shiny space ships. She also is claiming possibly to be capable of piloting the aforementioned space ships (and at the same time she is claiming that the subject is not a competent pilot); I am unsure of what NASA training modern R&B stars receive, but I personally find this to be very unlikely.
"When the sunshine, we'll shine together Told you I'll be here forever Said I'll always be a friend Took an oath I'mma stick it out to the end Now that it's raining more than ever Know that we'll still have each other You can stand under my umbrella You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)"
Despite the extra terrestrial nature of the first verse, it appears that Rhianna has returned to Earth, where she claims she will be stuck forever. This is unfortunate and once again shows the depressive skepticism that Rhianna has towards the future of space travel. She however sees the positive side of this, and offers to the subject that they will always be able to be friends. She however then declares that she has been forced into this friendship, and this is just sad. Her Welshness then properly shines through with the statement that it is raining more than ever - well. At least she is proud of her roots. And hey - she is even inviting the subject to stand under her umbrella. How thoughtful! Oh, Rhianna is far nicer than many give her credit for.
"These fancy things, will never come in between You're part of my entity, here for Infinity When the war has took it's part When the world has dealt it's cards If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart"
Rhianna is not big on the high-end space ships it seems. She is more of a Vauxhall Corsa gal than an Aston Martin Lady. As well as heart donors it seems that petrol prices have also become a common theme in modern day songs, with the war reference surely a comment about the war in Iraq and the subsequent oil consequences. Yet (and in a turn for the worse) Rhianna then goes down a totally different tangent, claiming that poker is a potential cause for a heart attack - and then claiming that in addition to being an astronaut, she is also a fully trained surgeon. Rhianna it seems is a woman of many talents.
"You can run into my arms It's okay don't be alarmed Come into me (There's no distance in between our love) So go on and let the rain pour I'll be all you need and more"
Finally, we have the soft little love song I was expecting! Rhianna is inviting her subject to literally run towards her (whether she is trying to be flattering towards herself or not is unclear without knowing much about the subject). Indeed, she certainly seems to hold her position within this subjects social circle very highly, though one is unsure as to whether or not she regards him as a godly figure (how else would he be able to stop the rain pouring?), or if he is just not a chap who enjoys a sing-song in the rain. I would think it were the latter.
"It's raining Ooh baby it's raining Baby come into me Come into me It's raining Oh baby it's raining You can always come into me come into me"
Now, I don't want to be coarse here (Video Killed The Radio Star is, as I always like to think anyway, a family website - 12A at worst), but a lot of this particular verse leaves very little to the imagination. It appears that either Rhianna is (very innocently) inviting people to join her under her umbrella and is surely unaware of the double entendre implied within her words, or in the other explanation - she is almost openly admitting to being the metaphorical village bike. So, here we have an apparently easy astronautically and medically trained welsh female with an umbrella. Any takers?
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