Michael Jackson - The Girl is Mine
New contributor Lee Macaulay has a look at this ding-dong of a clash between Mickey J and Macca P over, er, a girl.
Two actual reallife titans of pop go head to head over a girl. Without resorting to fisticuffs outside the Ivy? I say.
In the red corner with the multicolour trim trunks and red clown nose, the thrilla from, eh, Gary, Indiana. He'll beat it, with 'it' being 'you'. Michael JACKSOOOOOON!
And in the blue corner from the house of scouse, they named a school of performance arts after him which is so much better than an airport, Sir Paul MCCARTNEYYYYYYY!
[1st Verse (Michael)] Every Night She Walks Right In My Dreams Since I Met Her From The Start I'm So Proud I Am The Only One Who Is Special In Her Heart
Apparently, Michael is getting sick of his new beau wandering around while he's sleeping, I guess she has a predisposition to sleepwalking while staying over at the Jackson residence. He's also proud to be the only one who is special in her heart. Oh, how wrong you are going to be Mr Jackson.
[Chorus] The Girl Is Mine The Doggone Girl Is Mine I Know She's Mine Because The Doggone Girl Is Mine
Michael starts flashing his cash here by proclaiming ownership of said beau to the whole listening audience. If this was the beginning of Michael's unique brand of financial management, then he might have to end up selling said girl to pay for legal fees, theme parks etc. He even starts to get a bit annoyed at having to repeat himself exclaiming that the 'doggone' girl is mine. Of course as we and answer.com all know, doggone is the watered down version of to damn. Any song that revolves around the ownership of a human can get away with a bit of mild swearing in my book.
[2nd Verse (Paul)] I Don't Understand The Way You Think Saying That She's Yours Not Mine Sending Roses And Your Silly Dreams Really Just A Waste Of Time
Aha! Paul connects with the emotional right hook. Take that right in your dreams, Mikey J! King of Romantic Entanglements, Paul '1 and three quarter wives down' McCartney is laying down the law by attacking Michael insular and frankly medieval views of love.
On a more serious note, has anyone ever considered that Paul McCartney may have mild autism? I'm only saying because some scientists think that an inability to understand and perceive things from other people's viewpoints is a symptom of autism. Maybe Paul doesn't understand the way anyone thinks?
That would explain the Mills - McCartney marriage. He didn't understand the way she thought about 'marriage'
Because She's Mine The Doggone Girl Is Mine Don't Waste Your Time Because The Doggone Girl Is Mine
Looks like Paul is raising the stakes here. But, much like Michael, isn't adding much to the argument. Why is the doggone girl yours, Paul? You only get half the marks for getting the girl. You must show your working!!!
[Bridge (Paul)] I Love You More Than He (Take You Anywhere)
Paul goes onto show his commitment to the 'Doggone Girl' by telling her that he loves her more than the periodic element Helium. You are correct, sir, you do love her more than Helium does. However, everyone knows that Helium came out years ago when it became acceptable. However since then, He has had trouble bonding with anyone. Boom Boom.
Anyone it's that Hydrogen you've gotta watch out for, Paul. It'll get with anything given the chance. Chemistry joke number 2.
[Michael] But I Love You Endlessly (Loving We Will Share)
So who does michael Jackson want to share his love with then. maybe the song so far has led you to believe "the girl". Rumors from the studio actually suggest that this was mike and Paul's way of suggesting a bit of ménage a trois.
[Michael & Paul] So Come And Go With Me To One Town
Come and go with me? Filth. Or a rudimentary pop star powered traffic control system, perhaps.
And just where is this "one town"? Is it the bit behind the studios where they film the one show? During the day, Adrian chiles takes long strolls to buy breads and pastries for the whole crew from baker street in one town. Perhaps.
Anyway, if so don't go to one town because that Adrian Chiles will definatly win your girl's heart, Michael.
[Michael] But We Both Cannot Have Her So It's One Or The Other And One Day You'll Discover That She's My Girl Forever And Ever[Paul]
I Don't Build Your Hopes To Be Let Down
'Cause I Really Feel It's Time[Michael]
I Know She'll Tell You I'm The One For Her
'Cause She Said I Blow Her Mind
Chorus (Michael)
The Girl Is Mine
The Doggone Girl Is Mine
Don't Waste Your Time
Because The Doggone Girl Is Mine[Michael & Paul]
She's Mine, She's Mine
No, No, No, She's Mine
The Girl Is Mine, The Girl Is Mine
The Girl Is Mine, The Girl Is Mine[Paul]
The Girl Is Mine, (Yep) She's Mine
The Girl Is Mine, (Yep) She's Mine[Michael]
Don't Waste Your Time
Because The Doggone Girl Is Mine
The Girl Is Mine, The Girl Is Mine
Do any of you young whippersnappers actually know what this song is? I bet you thought I was going to do The Boy is Mine by Brandy and Monica, didn't you. Anyway, stay with me on this one because one of Mikey J's best ever lines is coming up.
[Paul] Michael, We're Not Going To Fight About This, Okay
Paul would win. Blatantly. He's from Liverpool. A'ight.
[Michael] Paul, I Think I Told You, I'm A Lover Not A Fighter
But Michael Jackson would blatantly win at being a lover. A lover of *snip* and their short trousers. Go on censor me, I dare you.
[Paul] I've Heard It All Before, Michael She Told Me That I'm Her Forever Lover, You Know, Don't You Remember[Michael]
Well, After Loving Me, She Said She Couldn't Love Another[Paul]
Is That What She Said[Michael]
Yes, She Said It, You Keep Dreaming[Paul]
I Don't Believe It[Michael & Paul]
The Girl Is Mine (Mine, Mine, Mine)
And so this song ends how it started. Utter utter confusion and repetition.
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